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Monday, June 18, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Bruce Bowen of the San Antonio Spurs Vs Paris Hilton
My pal Patrick Hruby wrote this column on page 2 of ESPN.com which Malcimus Maximus wants to share. Enjoy.
One is irritatingly inescapable, inescapably irritating, more than a little dirty and quite possibly the most detested person in the whole wide world, at least for this week. The other is Paris Hilton. With the moronic heiress back in the slammer and Bruce Bowen handcuffing opposing scorers en route to yet another NBA championship ring, it's time to ask: which person is more worthy of public disdain? Herein, the head-to-head:
Time in the slammer adds street cred to Paris Hilton's portfolio.
Time in the slammer adds street cred to Paris Hilton's portfolio.
Catch Phrase:
Bowen: Lets his feet do the talking … from underneath opposing jump shooters.
Hilton: "That's hot".
Edge: Hilton. Broken ankle not as bad as a thicket of dead neurons.
Bowen: Lets his feet do the talking … from underneath opposing jump shooters.
Hilton: "That's hot".
Edge: Hilton. Broken ankle not as bad as a thicket of dead neurons.
Hey, How'd That Happen?
Bowen: A karate kick between your legs.
Hilton: Fire in your crotch.
Edge: Even. Some types of pain can't be quantified.
Bowen: A karate kick between your legs.
Hilton: Fire in your crotch.
Edge: Even. Some types of pain can't be quantified.
Talents Best Appreciated:
Bowen: On film.
Hilton: On film.
Edge: Even. Use freeze-frame, super slo-mo to see the really nasty stuff.
Bowen: On film.
Hilton: On film.
Edge: Even. Use freeze-frame, super slo-mo to see the really nasty stuff.
Totally Redundant:
Bowen: Finished second in voting for NBA Defensive Player of the Year for three straight seasons.
Hilton: Has a full-time publicist. Seriously.
Edge: Hilton. Heck, why not hire personal paparazzi as well?
Bowen: Finished second in voting for NBA Defensive Player of the Year for three straight seasons.
Hilton: Has a full-time publicist. Seriously.
Edge: Hilton. Heck, why not hire personal paparazzi as well?
Not As Dirty As...
Bowen: The mid-'90s New York Knicks.
Hilton: Lindsay Lohan.
Edge: Bowen. Knicks did permanent damage to the NBA; Lohan only doing permanent damage to her nasal capillaries.
Bowen: The mid-'90s New York Knicks.
Hilton: Lindsay Lohan.
Edge: Bowen. Knicks did permanent damage to the NBA; Lohan only doing permanent damage to her nasal capillaries.
Did You Know?
Bowen: Averaged 16 ppg as a Cal State Fullerton senior.
Hilton: Actually earned a GED.
Edge: Bowen. Kevin Federline has a GED, too.
Bowen: Averaged 16 ppg as a Cal State Fullerton senior.
Hilton: Actually earned a GED.
Edge: Bowen. Kevin Federline has a GED, too.
Oh, The Irony!
Bowen: Puts opponents on the line, but is a terrible foul shooter (.570 career percentage).
Hilton: Teamed with Puffy Combs in 2004 get-the-kids-out-to-vote drive; did not vote or even register herself.
Edge: Hilton. "Teamed with Puffy Combs." 'Nuff said.
Bowen: Puts opponents on the line, but is a terrible foul shooter (.570 career percentage).
Hilton: Teamed with Puffy Combs in 2004 get-the-kids-out-to-vote drive; did not vote or even register herself.
Edge: Hilton. "Teamed with Puffy Combs." 'Nuff said.
You CANNOT Be Serious:
Bowen: A former teammate once told SI.com that "if anything, Bruce is too nice … there's not a dirty bone in his body".
Hilton: Told Regis that "one-night stands are not for me".
Edge: Even. Oh, and the Iraqis will greet us a liberators. For sure.
Bowen: A former teammate once told SI.com that "if anything, Bruce is too nice … there's not a dirty bone in his body".
Hilton: Told Regis that "one-night stands are not for me".
Edge: Even. Oh, and the Iraqis will greet us a liberators. For sure.
Unexpected Brilliance:
Bowen: Hasn't missed a game since 2002.
Hilton: Once observed that "only fat people drink Diet Coke".
Edge: Hilton. Sorry America, but she's right.
Bowen: Hasn't missed a game since 2002.
Hilton: Once observed that "only fat people drink Diet Coke".
Edge: Hilton. Sorry America, but she's right.
Dream On:
Bowen: "Bruce Bowen: Come Fly With Me" opens in IMAX theaters.
Hilton: "House of Wax II" green-lighted, Anthony Minghella to direct.
Edge: Even. And thank goodness.
Bowen: "Bruce Bowen: Come Fly With Me" opens in IMAX theaters.
Hilton: "House of Wax II" green-lighted, Anthony Minghella to direct.
Edge: Even. And thank goodness.
Nice Work If You Can Get It:
Bowen: Earned $3.75 million this season to help send the Phoenix Suns packing.
Hilton: According to Forbes, earned $15.5 million over the last three years
Edge: Even. When they win, we all lose.
Bowen: Earned $3.75 million this season to help send the Phoenix Suns packing.
Hilton: According to Forbes, earned $15.5 million over the last three years
Edge: Even. When they win, we all lose.
Semi-Redeeming Qualities:
Bowen: Nice guy off the court; can knock down the open trey.
Hilton: Hasn't released follow-up album; doesn't own 24-hour cable network. Yet.
Edge: Hilton. There's really no redeeming "Stars Are Blind."
Bowen: Nice guy off the court; can knock down the open trey.
Hilton: Hasn't released follow-up album; doesn't own 24-hour cable network. Yet.
Edge: Hilton. There's really no redeeming "Stars Are Blind."
Personal Kryptonite:
Bowen: Creating a shot.
Hilton: Sidekicks, storage locker fees, speed limits, showing up to court on time.
Edge: Hilton. Note to self: When the judge is already ticked, do not be late to scheduled hearing.
Bowen: Creating a shot.
Hilton: Sidekicks, storage locker fees, speed limits, showing up to court on time.
Edge: Hilton. Note to self: When the judge is already ticked, do not be late to scheduled hearing.
Grace Under Pressure:
Bowen: Doing an admirable job against ascending LeBron.
Hilton: IT'S NOT RIGHT! MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH!
Edge: Bowen. Though "grace" is not a word usually associated with either person.
Bowen: Doing an admirable job against ascending LeBron.
Hilton: IT'S NOT RIGHT! MOMMY! WAAAAHHHH!
Edge: Bowen. Though "grace" is not a word usually associated with either person.
Someone Ask For A Recount:
Bowen: Undrafted in 1993, the same year Acie Earl, Rex Walters and Geert Hammik were picked in the first round.
Hilton: In 2006 AP poll, voted second worst celebrity role model, behind Britney Spears.
Edge: Hilton. Where did the AP poll take place, Florida?
Bowen: Undrafted in 1993, the same year Acie Earl, Rex Walters and Geert Hammik were picked in the first round.
Hilton: In 2006 AP poll, voted second worst celebrity role model, behind Britney Spears.
Edge: Hilton. Where did the AP poll take place, Florida?
Suggested Birthday Gift:
Bowen: A copy of "Edward Scissorhands".
Hilton: A "Monopoly" get-out-of-jail-free card.
Edge: Hilton. Though she'd probably attempt to use the card.
Bowen: A copy of "Edward Scissorhands".
Hilton: A "Monopoly" get-out-of-jail-free card.
Edge: Hilton. Though she'd probably attempt to use the card.
FINAL SCORE: No contest, as Hilton drubs Bowen 8-3. Pity that Hilton's probation violation can't be punished with a life sentence. Is it too late to start up an online petition?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
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